Thank you so much for your honesty. I hear you.
And I just want to say… I said no to God, too.
But I said one tiny little extra thing after I said no. I said, “You have my permission to change my heart.” I even added, “good luck,” after that.
I fully expected Him not to be able to change my desires. See, God was asking me to be a missionary to the unreached. And I knew in my deepest heart that I did not have what it would take to do that.
Missionaries should be brave. They should not be offended easily. They should be able to understand other cultures on a deep level. They should be able to handle large spiders falling on their heads in the shower without freaking out.
For me? Impossible.
I’ve now been a missionary for 11 years. And I’ve given God permission to change my heart so many times. Sometimes daily. And I’ve come to expect Him to show up and do just that.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you what I’ve personally gained from agreeing to do difficult, “impossible” things for God.
God has proven Himself to me, which has watered my little faith. I’ve gotten to know Him better, and myself, too. The anxiety I’ve battled for years is slowly, gently being replaced with something much nicer (and less bossy.) God has shown me that nothing is impossible for Him.
And that is a message of hope that I can’t forget, even in the dark.
So, when you say no to God, will you do me one favor? Just tell Him you’re willing for Him to change your heart.
And hold on.
PS. If you’d like to read more about my story of being “willing to be willing,” sign up below to access myr eader extras library! There you can download the first five chapters of my book, Hidden Song of the Himalayas for free.